Swapping Movies
by the mischievous pixie
Summary: CHAPTER 4 UP Well, 6 characters from Johnny Depp movies are switiching places, Agent Sands bursts out into song
1. The Beginning of the end

DISCLAIMER: Don't own: Secret Window, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Pirates of the Caribbean, From Hell, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Cry-Baby. Also, the two characters Esmeralda and Julie are not Mary-Sue's, they're me and my best friend Julie. She provides the comic relief, savvy?

**Chapter 1: The Beginning (of the End)**

Mort Rainey was sitting at his desk. He was working on a new story, but he had no title, barely any plot. Just one paragraph that read:

'Four days after George had confirmed to his satisfaction that his wife was cheating on him, he confronted her.

"I have to talk to you, Abby," he said.'

"Oh man," he muttered, "This is just bad writing." as he deleted the paragraph.

"You've got mail! ®" his laptop said. He opened the e-mail and this is what it said:

'Dear Mr. Rainey:

We have decided that you need a sense of adventure. You will be a pirate. Your departure will be in 10 minutes.

Sincerely,

Esmeralda Sparrow and Julie Sands.

"What the hell?" Mort said.

Agent Sands was relaxing on his couch after a hard day. Of course, 'hard' would be a bit of an understatement seeing as how he had icepacks on both his ankles and his left wrist was sprained.

"Damn I hate trainees." he cursed as he started flipping through the channels. After 5 minutes of flipping, the image on the television remained the same. A girl, she looked about 15 or 16, with long brown hair that had beautiful blond streaks in it.

"Hello?" she said, "is this retarded thing even working?"

"Wh-Who are you?" Sands asked the TV.

"Hey! It's working! Holy shit it's working! Oh Julie!" the girl said, saying that last bit to the side of the screen. "I made something that works! Pay up!" and a voice from off side replied "oh shut up!"

"I asked you a question." Sands said.

"Right," the girl said, "I am Esmeralda. Me and my friend Julie decided you are taking too many risks, so we are giving you a break. You are going to live the life of a 1950s teenage boy rebel-ish dude who flips for a girl who is normally not his kind and has a kick-ass singing voice."

"WHAT?!?!?"

"You leave in ten minutes, savvy?"

"but..."

Inspector Fred Abberline was taking a relaxing bath while preparing his favorite drink, green wine mixed with a melted sugarcube lace with Laude...Lauden...Laudanum...oh it's the stuff that's like opium and I can't spell for crap!!! Ahem...

"I want to find that killer." he muttered, "the bastard." And as he was finally starting to get relaxed (and drunk and high all at the same time lol), a white circle appeared right above him, and after hearing two girls whistles, a letter dropped down. Abberline grabbed it before it hit the water and opened it. Here is what it said:

'Dear Inspector Abberline:

Time for a change from your chasing the dragon. You will be a high school athlete from the 1980s. You leave in 10 minutes.

From, Julie'

"What on earth?" he said and a second letter came down

'P.S Put some pants on!' it said (hee hee hee)

Captain Jack Sparrow was sailing on his little boat which had a _tiny_ leak in it looking oh-so-hot as he was sailing along. Then everything froze. Jack looked out toward the horizon, and saw someone riding on a Jet-Ski towards him. As the person got closer, he saw that it was a girl, the same one that had earlier appeared to Agent Sands (yes the Esmeralda chick).

"Captain Jack Sparrow?" She asked.

"Yes. Who are you luv?"

"My name is Esmeralda. Me and my friend Julie decided that you need a little change of pace. You will be a CIA Agent from 2003 about to go on a mission in Mexico. Savvy?"

"Hey! That's my line!"

"Sure ok, you leave in ten minutes." and she disappeared, everything unfroze, and the leak in the boat was gone.

"What the devil is a CIA Agent?" he asked out loud.

It was nighttime on Elm Street. Glenn was sitting in his room, doing his homework while listening to music and watching T.V all at the same time

(A/N: talk about multi-tasking!).

"Man," he sighed, "I wish my life would get a little more interesting, it's so boring!" at that time, his mom walked in.

"Glenn sweetie," his mom said, "Telephone call."

"Who is it?"

"It's a girl named Julie Sands. She says she's in your Algebra II class?"

"Umm...Okay. Hello?" he said picking up the phone in his room.

"Is this Glenn?" Julie asked

"Yes. Um... who exactly are you?"

"My name is Julie, me and my friend Esmeralda overheard you wishing your life was a little more interesting. We will grant your wish. You shall be a successful writer."

"How can that be interesting?" Glenn was puzzled.

"Oh believe me. It will get interesting." Esmeralda said from the other line.

"Yeah," Julie said, "It will get _interesting_. 'Specially if..."

"Julie shut up! You are so not sane in the membrane." Esmeralda said as Julie hung up her line.

"Sorry about that." Esmeralda said. "You leave in ten minutes. Savvy?"

"Wait," Glenn said, "Are you dating anyone?"

dial tone

Wade "Cry-Baby" Walker was sitting in his jail cell being depressed, happy, and pissed off all at the same (A/N: which is actually possible thank you very much!)

"My list of things to do once I get out of this stinkin' tank: one; get vengeance on that Baldwin a-hole. Two, make Allison mine; and three get a haircut, nah screw that." then a guard came in.

"You have a visitor."

"Is it Allison?"

"Come see for yourself, scum." as the guard yanked Cry-Baby out of the cell. plunk he threw Cry-Baby into the chair. Sitting across from him was the same Esmeralda girl that appeared to Sands and Sparrow.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Well, my alibi is that I'm a distant cousin of your aunt's nephew, twice removed. But I said that cuz that's the only way the guard would let me see ya.

"Why would you want to see me?"

"Me and my friend Julie have decided that you need a break from jail."

"You're getting me out of here?"

"Yes... and no. You see, we are temporarily turning you into an Inspector who has physic visions in 1888. Savvy?"

"Ok... I guess."

"You leave in 10 minutes."

Esmeralda walked back into the apartment she shared with her best friend Julie. When she went in, she saw that the half of the apartment that was for **_her_** posters had been re-plastered with posters of: Miami Heat, Miami Hurricanes, Miami Dolphins, Florida Marlins, Florida Panthers, and FAU Owls.

"She replaced my posters...again. JULIE!!!!!" she screeched.

"Yeah!" Julie stepped into the room.

"Is everything set up?"

"Yup, we just need to decide which one of us helps the people in which movies." Julie said.

"Ok," Esmeralda began, "I claim Once Upon a Time in Mexico, From Hell, and Pirates of the Caribbean!"

"Dammit! I wanted Pirates of the Caribbean." Julie screeched

"Why? Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom?" (A/N: both!) Esmeralda continued. "You get Cry-Baby, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Secret Window."

"How come you got first dibs?"

"In case you forgot, it was _my_ idea! Besides, you got to name the device, and get to give the order."

"Oh," Julie remarked, as if a light bulb had suddenly gone off in her head. "Okay............Activate the **DeMarco 16**! Operation Firebert shall begin!"

"I still think 'Firebert' is a bad operation name." Esmeralda muttered.

"I won't take questioning or second-guessing missy! Do it now!"

"Ok, ok! Don't flip out!" and Esmeralda pushed the big blue button.

There was a dead silence.

"Did it work?" Julie asked, "How do we tell?"

"We stay, and watch them." (A/N: that quote is from "From Hell.")

And at the same time, brilliant flashes of light filled all the characters' rooms. When it died down, they saw that they were in a white room. On one side stood Sparrow, Rainey, and Cry-Baby, and on the other side stood Glenn, Abberline, and Sands. Footsteps could be heard down the hallway. In walked Esmeralda and Julie. Two seconds later, Julie promptly tripped.

"Smart." Esmeralda said sarcastically.

"Shut up."

"Ok, so what the hell are we all doing here?" Sands demanded.

"Well," Julie said as she got up, "If you even bothered to read your letter, or listen to Esmeralda, you would know what the hell you are doing here. Any questions?"

"Is Esmeralda your real name?" Glenn asked.

"No it's my middle name."

"Well then what's your first name?"

"Allana," she said, "But I prefer Esmeralda. So you all will leave in about two minutes. Savvy?"

"Stop saying my bloody line!" Sparrow yelled.

"Temper, temper." Julie said. "We are going to be helping you out so you better be respectful. If you look at your new watches, you will see two buttons, a red one, and a blue or green one. If it is green, then if you press it, I will come and help you out." Glenn, Abberline, and Sands all had green buttons.

"And if it is blue," Esmeralda said, "Then I will come help you if you press it. Savvy?" Sparrow, Rainey, and Cry-Baby all had blue buttons.

"And now it is time for you all to go bye-bye!" Julie said. And the six characters disappeared and Julie then started to prance around like a moron.

"Let the fun begin." Esmeralda said.

"Ha ha ha ha!" Julie laughed in an evil way, "Ha ha coughcough" she started choking. Esmeralda sighed and walked out.

**and so it begins**

A/N: Well, that's the beginning, hope you all enjoy, I already have the next 2 chapters written, but I need reviews before I post them.

And, the DeMarco 16, is a reference to the Johnny Depp movie

"Don Juan de Marco" it's really a funny movie.

Also, If anyone can get me the lyrics to the songs in Cry-Baby that would really help.


	2. Secret Caribbean

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the movies, I'm not gonna list them all again, wish so much that I owned some of the characters hee hee hee! Oh yeah, any speech [written like this] is a character's thoughts, savvy?

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**Chapter 2: Secret ****Caribbean**

Mort reappeared to find himself standing on a small ship.

"Where the hell am I?" he asked. He looked out to see what was out there and all he saw was water, cool, light blue, water all around him.

"You're in the Caribbean mate!" he turned around to find Esmeralda standing there. But instead of the jeans and a T-shirt outfit she was wearing, she was wearing a very....small pirate girl costume and standing right behind him with a satisfied smile on her face. Mort couldn't help staring at her. "And like we said, you are now a pirate." She held up a mirror to his face so he could see what he looked like.

"Holy shit!" He screamed. He did not look anything like his old self. His neat blondish-brownish hair was replaced with long brownish-blackish hair, some of it was in dreadlocks, and some of it was beaded, he had a red bandanna covering some of it. And instead of wearing his bathrobe and shabby clothes, he was wearing, well he was wearing, oh; it's the Jack Sparrow outfit that makes him look oh-so-gorgeous in it! ahem... anyhoo, he was very shocked, not to mention that some of his beads were falling out of his hair.

"Some of my beads are falling out." Mort said, "Can you fix it?"

"No."

"Please?" and he looked at her with those gorgeous eyes pleading using them as his own personal weapon.

"Oh, okay." she relented. She walked over to him and started adjusting his hair. As she was doing so, she slightly noticed that his eyes were focused on, well, let's just say he wasn't staring at her face if you get my drift.

[what is it with guys staring at girl's chests?] she thought.

"Excuse me, but my eyes are up here." she said. Mort looked up at Esmeralda and he started to turn red. "Well, you are acting a lot like the pirate you have turned into."

"And how would you know?"

"Heh, long story. Anyhoo, you are now known to the world as Jack Sparrow." she continued and a voice could be heard screaming

"_Captain! Captain_ Jack Sparrow! Get it right dammit!" (3 guesses as to who it was)

"So can I call you Esmeralda, or Allana?" Mort asked.

"Whichever, I personally don't give a crap."

"Okay, so now that I'm a pirate, what am I supposed to do?" he asked in a panicky way.

"Just trust your instincts. And if you need me, just press the blue button on that watch of yours. Not the red one, the blue one, got it?"

"Yeah."

"Bye!" and she disappeared, leaving Mort to deal with a leaky boat.

20 minutes later

Mort was finally pulling into the docks at Port Royal after attempting to dump the water out of his leaky boat and failing. So, his boat continued to sink so much that by the time he actually pulled up at the dock, he had to stand on the very top of the crows nest to stay above water. He got off at the dock, and started walking to the center of the town when he heard someone talking, to him.

"Hold up there!" and Mort turned around with one of those deer-in-the-headlights looks. "It's a shilling to tie your boat up at the dock, and I need to know your name."

"Well," Mort sighed as he looked over at what part of his boat hadn't sunk, "Seeing as how my boat is almost completely underwater, it seems pointless to tie it up, so what do you say to three shillings, and we forget the name."

"Welcome to Port Royal Mr. Smith."

"Thank you Mr. Anderson, I mean sir." And he continued walking down the dock, subtly picking up a whole bag of shillings.

As he continued to walk randomly around the town, he noticed that everything looked weird, and old-fashioned-ish. "Oh, my God!" he said ditzly, "I'm in old times! Go me!"

10 seconds later

"Okay, I'm bored. What do I do now?" he said as he pushed the blue button on his watch.

"Go to the docks near the ship that has _Interceptor_ written on it." Esmeralda said from right behind him.

"Dammit! You scared the crap out of me! Don't do that again!" he screeched.

"You scare too easy." she said as she wiped some dirt off her hands with a handkerchief. "Just go down to the _Interceptor_. Bye!" and she disappeared. So her sauntered on down, and as he was about to go onto the gangplank, two soldiers, one fat and one skinny, came up and blocked his way."

"This dock is off-limits to civilians." the first one said.

"So, sorry, had no idea. If I see one, I'll tell ya, ok?" Mort tried to get by them, and failed 'cause they re-blocked his way.

"Apparently there's some high-toned and fancy to-do up at the um.......fort. How could it be that two upstanding gentlemen such as yourselves," he started as he gestured to the two soldiers, "did not merit an invitation?"

"Someone has to keep civilians away from the _Interceptor_, the fastest ship in the entire Caribbean." the second one said.

"That's a good goal to be sure." he said [say that the _Black Pearl_ is faster] he heard Esmeralda's voice inside his head.

[okay, I'm not asking how your thoughts got into my head, but I'm gonna go along with it.] he thought. "But I've heard of a faster ship." He continued. "The _Black __Pearl_."

"That's not a real ship." the first solider said.

"Yes it is," the second one argued, "I've seen it."

"You haven't seen it."

"Yes I have."

"No."

"Yes"

"No."

"Yes"

"No."

"Yes"

"No."

"Yes"

"No."

"Yes"

"Nu-uh"

"Yuh-huh"

"Nu-uh"

"Yuh-huh"

"Nu-uh"

"Yuh-huh"

"Nu-uh"

"Yuh-huh"

"Nu-uh"

"Yuh-huh"

"Are you trying to say that you've seen a ship with black sails, that's crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that hell itself spat him back out?" the first solider said.

"No, but I have seen one with black sails." and as the soldiers continued to argue, Mort quietly slipped onto the _Interceptor_.

2 minutes 30 seconds later…

"Hey!" the first solider shouted. The two had finally noticed that Mort had snuck upon the boat. "You don't have permission to be aboard there!" they both ran onto the ship and pointed their guns on him.

"Aww, but it's such a pretty boat. I mean ship! Such a pretty ship."

"Who are you?" the second solider asked.

"Smith, or Smithy if ya like."

"What's your purpose in Port Royal, _Mr._ Smith." the first one asked.

"and no lies!" the second one inserted.

"Well then, I confess. It is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasly black guts out, savvy?" [whoa! where in bloody hell did that come from?] he thought.

"I said no lies!" the second one exclaimed.

"I think he was telling the truth."

"If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us nitwit!"

"Unless he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you." Mort replied with a smirk on his face (A/N: falls on floor swooning!) "Got any rum?" he asked.

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**The journey continues**

A/N: Sorry that chapter was short, they will get longer. Since someone asked why I did not use Don Juan de Marco, well, I didn't know enough about the movie, so what I will do is later on, I will make a chapter for Don Juan all himself, that will be different than the rest savvy?


	3. Pirates of a Time in Mexico

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the movies that I mention and/or/most likely use/spoof/mention. Savvy? And just like always, [text in here] is someone's thoughts. kk on with the story.

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**Chapter 3: Pirates of a Time in ****Mexico**

Jack Sparrow reappeared to find himself sitting at a table in a restaurant and sitting across from him was Esmeralda.

"What am I doing and where am I luv?" he asked

"Okay, listen to me. You are in Mexico. You are here to meet with a crooked man named Belini who is going to give you some information on a man named El Mariachi. Sav-"

"Stop! Right there! No more...savvy? Now where is Mexico? and who is El Maria-something-or-other."

"Mexico is near the Caribbean, in a way. And it is your job to find out who El Mariachi is."

"Ummm...okay, but what do I do with this fake arm thingy?" Jack asked, he was still really confused.

"Attach the fake arm to your left shoulder, and hold your left arm under the table with a gun in your hand."

"Hey! Where's my gun?!?" Jack had reached into his pants to take his gun out (why he put his gun in his pants in the first place we'll never know) and instead of his normal pistol, he found a 2003 gun with a silencer on it.

"It's 2003, pistols like the one you normally use are now obsolete. You have to go with the times. Now I will be at the bar if you need me."

"What good food is there here?"

[why do guys always care about food?] she thought "I ordered you a dish called puerco pibilil. Now here's a list of things to say that will help you. Remember, trust your instincts. Ahh, here's your date." she said. As Belini came to the table, she got up and went to sit at the bar.

"Ooh," Belini said as he sat down, "Who was that?"

"My friend, now quit leering. Anyway, I have ne-ver heard of the man you rec-om-men-ded." Jack said as he was reading off the paper Esmeralda gave him.

"Who? The guitar fighter?" Jack nodded, "Let me explain." And Belini explained all about El Mariachi. For ten minutes.

[when will this bloke shut up! I still don't know what I'm doing here. What in bloody hell am I wearing? It makes me feel comfy! Can I please shoot this idiot!] Jack was thinking.

[I can hear what you are thinking, and no you cannot shoot the bloke this time.] Esmeralda's voice was heard in his head.

[just one shot?]

[next time, I promise.]

[god I could use some rum. Looks like he's winding down,now what do I do? Let's ask the magic paper. Hmm...'give him the $10,000 and say it still might be too much.'] "Here's the $10,000 for the info. Although it still might be too much." Sparrow...um...Sands...ok it was Sparrow and he looked like Sands said.

"You'd shoot me over $10,000 dollars? You wouldn't dare!" Belini said as he walked out of the restaurant.

"Yes I would" Jack muttered and Esmeralda started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"It's just bloody hard to believe that you are a pirate under that CIA agent look."

"What do you mean by a CIA agent look?"

"Look in that mirror."

Sparrow went over to the mirror, and when he saw what he looked like, well, all he said was three simple words: "Oh my God!" It's safe to say he was honestly shocked. Gone were his great long beaded hair. In its place was plain, chin-lentgh, straight black hair. His face was not as tanned as it normally was, and he had no makeup on. His pirate clothes had been replaced with a brown blazer and a nice pair of business pants.

"Um," Esmeralda began, "You do realize you still have the fake arm attached to you, right?"

"Oops." he said as he detached it, "So what do I do now?"

"Call this number," she said as she handed him a piece of paper, "You'll talk to a man named Cucuy. Tell him the information that Belini gave you, and tell him where to bring the Mariachi, savvy?"

"You just aren't going to stop saying my line, are you?"

"Give me a _good_ reason and I will."

"Maybe later. But who exactly am I supposed to be?"

"You are Sheldon Jeffery Sands and you work for the CIA, Central Intelligence Agency."

"Sheldon? What kind of name is Sheldon?" Jack started laughing.

"Your new name."

"Okay, so why am I in Mexico?"

"You are hiring a man called El Mariachi to kill an evil dude named Marquez. Anything more detailed, and you will need to look at the papers I gave you. Understand?"

"Ok, so I call this Cucuy man now?" and Esmeralda nodded. Jack took out a cell phone and tried to figure out how to use it.

10 minutes later..........

"Help!" Jack screeched "I don't know how to use this bloody thing!" Unfortunatly, as he said this, a girl walked right by them staring at them.

"Uh...El es mi hermano." Esmeralda said in crappy Spanish, "El es loco, perdon."

"Ah, si si." and the girl started to ramble quickly on and on and on and on in Spanish so much that Esmeralda and Jack had no clue what she was saying. Finally, she stopped.

"Well then," Jack began, "gracias, and hasta luego." Jack said as Esmeralda pushed him out of the restaurant.

"Ok," Esmeralda said after they got outside, "I am going to teach you how to use a cell phone. First look at the paper with the numbers on it." Jack took out the paper. "Now press the corresponding number on the phone for each number on the paper." Jack pushed the button for the first number BEEP!!! and the touch-tone beeped.

"What the devil was that!" he screamed as he dropped the phone.

"That was the touch tone beeping." Esmeralda said as she picked up the phone, "Try again."

So he picked up the phone and it started toring the 'what do you do with a drunken sailor' ring tone.

"What in bloody hell!" he screamed as he dropped the phone again.

sigh Esmeralda picked up the phone "Hello? Oh hello Senor Cucuy. No he's not here right now, he's in the bathroom."

"No I'm not!" Jack said and Esmeralda gestured to him to shut up.

"Yes I have that information that you need."

5 minutes later..............

"You are without doubt the worst CIA agent I've ever seen."

"Pirate!"

"Whatever. Look, just just go here. And just follow the script a little bit." and with that, she disapperared.

20 minutes later............................

"I need you to put the hurtin so to speak on Marquez after he's killed the president, savvy?" [crap I should stop saying that] "Meet my associate at the church at three o'clock. I'll call you afterward if we have a deal." and he gave El Mariachi a cell phone, signed his check, went back into the kitchen, and shot the cook. Because that's his new job, to restore the balance to the country.

AT 3 O'CLOCK

Sparrow had finally figured out to use the phone without dropping it and was now dressed as a priest.

[I think I'll imitate Marlon Brando while I'm talking to El Mariachi. Whoa! Where did that random thought come from?] Jack walked into the little confession room thingy (A/N I have no idea what it is called sorry!)

"When was your last confession, and who was your priest?"

"An hour ago, and my priest was Sands." [who was muy obnoxious] El Mariachi said and thought.

"Ok, you will carry out your assignments exactly as planned. If you fail, there is a good chance your ass will get shot off."

"Whatever. When do I begin?"

"Give me just a moment." And Jack walked out of the little room thingy and he saw the gunmen.

[shit] "um...peace be with you." and he scurried on out of there.

5 minutes later..............

"Well, time to see if he survived." he dialed the number of the phone he had given to El Mariachi, awkardly, but he dialed it still."

"Glad to see you are still standing. You pass the test. I will call you with further instructions. Over and out." and he hung up. "This is fun! I need a drink. Wonder where I can find some rum?"

"No rum here, but try a tequila." Esmeralda said from behind him.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"About ten seconds."

"Well if I'm going to get some tequila, will you come with me?" Jack asked oh-so-innocently.

"Hell, why not."

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**The road goes on...............**

A/N: Don't ya wish most guys were like that? I certainly do. Oh well, Thanks to all the people who reviewed on the story so far! claps for you! I'm working on new stuff for my other stories, but my school's final exams are next week I Oohh! sorry, I'm watching Don Juan de Marco right now so I can create a new chapter all about him, and god damn is he hot looking in that! Well, bye!

Here's the spanish translation. well at least I think:

''he is my brother, he is crazy sorry"


	4. Once Upon a CryBaby

Hey, I know you all are mad that this isn't a chapter, but it's important.

My parents threw out the tape I had with "Cry-Baby" on it because I had recorded a few horror movies onto it as well (From Hell, Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream)

I need some one to please tell me the whole entire plot for Cry-Baby in an email, so I can create the chapter, thanx!

Also, I will delete this when I get the outline, thanx again!


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